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Five Church Camp Sermons…

June 10, 2008

…you’ll never hear me give.

  1. Secular music has secret messages encoded forward and backward that your brain will unconsciously pick up and you will are worshiping the devil without even knowing it.
  2. Someday you and everyone who ever lived will gather in the presence of God and every last second of your entire life will play out on a movie screen for everyone to see and God will decide your eternal fate based upon what he (and everyone else) sees there.
  3. Since you’ve been at camp you’ve undoubtedly had impure thoughts about someone you’ve seen here.  If so, you have already raped them in your mind and need to repent up here at the altar.  Now.
  4. We’re about to take communion, and if you take it in “an unworthy manner” then you are bound for the pits of hell.
  5. I know you’re only twelve, but you need to decide right now to devote the entire rest of your life to Jesus Christ.  Your eternity depends on it.
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4 Comments leave one →
  1. June 10, 2008 10:48 am

    HEY – #2 was the sermon I heard right before my own conversion experience… when I was 12! Scared the living crap out of me. Sounds like you might’ve been there… oh wait, you were! 😉

  2. elenastevenson permalink
    June 10, 2008 10:56 am

    bwwhaha! Love this. I used to work as a children’s pastor. I never gave these, either. Even the toned-down versions of these can be misinterpreted by kids….

  3. June 10, 2008 10:59 am

    It seems to me, mister Arachnerd, that you shared more than one book with me regarding topic #1. Not your fault, mind you, but the fault of religious folk who needed some help.

  4. absurdemest permalink
    June 10, 2008 11:35 am

    You’re right. These are all totally more appropriate for third-grade VBS.

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